My Mom's ex is buying the house. Yay. Well really, YAY! But somehow I'm still, er, um, I don't know. Yes, it's the I don't know feeling. Does anyone else get this? You're just not quite right. I have to tell you that I can't even imagine moving somewhere in Florida, getting another shitty job, etc, etc, etc. I can't imagine it; I can't believe it's going to happen. Call me crazy but I feel like something else is going to happen. We aren't staying here of course, but to just go from one shade of crap to another doesn't feel right. And when I say that I mean that I feel that for once the worse case scenario is NOT the inevitable. You can get the feeling that something's not right, but inevitable. This just feels like it's wrong all the way around, both in and of itself as well as to whether it's likely to happen. Ahh, I'm rambling.
We went to St. Pete yesterday and saw a bunch of sad, overpriced little houses. The town seemed nice enough, but there was something ghostly about it all. Everything seemed to be dead with just this vague sense of life that once existed. Or maybe it was just me. I was trying to exist on less than four hours of sleep which I just can't do. I'm not really existing; I resemble more of a zombie rather than an extremely tired person. I was trying to write about what it was like to be that tired on the way back to Ft. Misery:
I don't know why I do this to myself. I can't concentrate and it's very difficult to communicate in anything but one syllable, monotone words. Excitement is not a possibility. Concentration is a figment of the imagination. Your body starts to ache like you have a fever. You suddenly become paranoid that everyone is out to annoy you and they're doing a terrific job of it. And then of course you get terribly snappy, ready to decapitate with one bite. YAP, YAP - like a dog warding off strangers. After which you feel awful for biting someone's head off which makes you irksome that they provoked the beast within in the first place.
That's the best I can do on four hours of sleep. Sleep is incredibly important. I've always known this. You especially realize this when you hear about stories like a friend of mine. She told me about a friend of hers who apparently couldn't sleep for almost a whole week, at least five days. When he finally fell asleep, unfortunately his wife came in shortly after to wake him for dinner and he ended up killing her, their kids, then himself. I can actually relate to this story in the sense that if someone wakes me up when I'm still in that exhausted phase, I feel like decking somebody. You want to see me grumpy, just wake me up in the morning. But I digress. Being exhausted gave me a great excuse to be thoroughly unenthusiastic about the houses we saw and the area in general - at least there was something good about those measly four hours.
I can't tell you how much I miss New York. I love New York. If anything has ever bewitched me in my life, it's that city. I've been in love with that place since I can remember, and I've wanted to move back ever since I moved away. I can remember back in Christmas of 2003 I went for a visit. It was the first time in nearly two decades that I went to see the Christmas show at Rockefeller Center. We just spent half a day in the city doing the more touristy things like seeing Times Square, St. Patrick's, the big tree *sigh* The funny thing was that I didn't feel sad, or the overwhelming pining I usually do in the midst of microscopic moments with the fleeting thing of my heart's desire. I just walked around all day with this "knowing". I knew that this was my home and I would be parted from it for awhile again, but ultimately I'd be back. A feeling of calm just overcame me and I was neither super happy or sad which was nice considering the circumstances. It can be hard given the thing you most want and still enjoy it with the knowledge that it's only a temporary gift.
I have to just end this with the fact that I'm really still exhausted. I've been really tired for the last week or so and I don't like it. I suppose staying up till 2am every night doesn't help but still. I'm actually going to go to bed before midnight tonight. It must be snowing in hell.