So sorry for the EXTREMELY long hiatus. Lots has happened with the buyout and following move. Yes, I'm free from Ft. Myers at last. But alas, not Florida. I moved to the Tampa area which oddly enough has even less shopping than Ft. Myers.
Tampa is one of the strangest cities I've ever been in. It almost has a post-apocalyptic feel. Or better yet, post Night of the Comet (classic B-movie flick that I just recently watched since I guess some program director on cable thought it'd inject some holiday spirit since the movie is set right around Christmas). There are these pristine, tall skyscrapers, blocks after blocks of them and no one around. It's eerie. Sometimes I half expect a horde of zombies to walk around the corner. There's nothing there but these huge buildings. No restaurants, shopping, heck even a convenience store. I'm sure there's people working in those buildings - where do they eat?! I guess they just do the cafeteria thing, or huff it to some nearby district where actual people exist.
I had a decent holiday. Almost my entire family has moved down to this area, this development even. So, it was the first Christmas we spent together in awhile. It's kind of strange being around the family again. I keep questioning who I am, who I was. I know that I'm not the little girl they once knew. I wonder at how I've changed. Some things have been good, but there are plenty that are not so great. Why is it that some of us (most of us even) have a tendency to dwell on our shortcomings, or mistakes. Is that the mark of genius and a true maverick that they don't dwell on the mistakes, but dwell on what they do right? Curious. Sometimes when I'm around the rest of my family, that is everyone excluding my Mom, I look at them and think, "You think you know me, but you have no idea." So much has changed, I've experienced so much since I left New York so long ago. I wonder who I would have been if I had never left. Still missing New York like a hole in my heart.
So, to sum up, my Mom's ex got a huge mortgage and bought the last 22 years of my Mom's life for $325,000. Lots happened during this whole divorce process that can really send my head spinning into a "I can't believe I allowed that to happen/How did that happen?!" spiral. All that matters now is that I have to remind myself when I hear a door slam that it's not my ex-stepfather, that I never have to see him again (unless by some strange and sick twist of fate, both of which fate is at times - strange and sick). What's great is that I actually have a whole room to myself again, although this obviously is not my ideal situation (I'd rather have a whole house to myself again) and will be remedied as soon as I get my head on straight. Little things that are great and I am thankful for every day: clean bathrooms, hardwood floors, space, a toilet that consistently flushes without backing up, no more assholes.
First things first though! It was imperative that I get the Christmas tree and the rest up as soon as possible. I think we moved on Nov. 20th - I can't remember exactly. Getting everything ready was like what I imagine running a marathon to be. I remember always saying to myself, "Ahh, it's not that much. I should be done in three days." Two weeks later I still ended up doing some scrambling on moving day. Why is moving like that? Maybe it's different for other people, but it's always been a chaotic experience, some more than others.
One thing nice about this move is that Mom decided to get new furniture and electronics. A trip to Circuit City later and have gone on an HD bender with the aid of a 50" screen. I have to say that the HD channels make the rest of them look sick. I feel like such a complete tech nerd now whenever I say "HD" or "Hi-Def". I'm in TV heaven now though. We got a DVR from Verizon so I can watch something virtually 24hrs a day if I choose a slow death.
I am officially Bridget Jones (at least at the beginning of the movie). I am now in my 32nd year on the planet. Yay. Can you hear the complete non-excitement in my voice. I don't know what to think about this moment in my life. I keep thinking that I'm so different from when I was a kid, but there's still this big part of me that feels like I'm still not far removed from that little girl, or at least that 18 year old kid in college. Where did my twenties go? Fuck. There's such a dichotomy when you age. There's such a defiance on both sides. You're sure that you've changed so much, learned so much, experienced so much than before, whatever that means to you or the next guy. At the same time, you're sure that although time has past and you've been through all this, there's still that kernel of a person, that seed that you started as is still there and that maybe that, that's who you really are, lightened from the weight of life and experience. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm still searching myself out. What am I saying maybe, of course I am. The question for me is anyone else searching too? I think so. But is it a rare experience in others, at this point in life at any rate. It's funny how as time passes it can strike you as completely meaningless, having no effect, and also as one of the most meaningful steam trains that can run you right over.
As to writing, I haven't been working on anything in particular for awhile, but I have been writing on paper almost every day for the last week or so which is good for me. I read through this book "Unstuck" by Jane Anne Staw which has actually been a bit helpful. I recommend it, but it's not earth-shattering. It's pleasant and says a lot of what you probably already know, but it's comforting to hear it again anyways. I feel good writing, and I actually really want to, something that has been a bit more rare in the past. I realize that it sounds crazy if it's my life's dream to be a writer, but if you are a writer chances are you understand what the hell I'm talking about when I say that it's the thing that I most want to do in my life, but often makes me feels the most uncomfortable and at times terrified at the prospect.
So that's the quick and dirty, or not so quick, of it. I'm thinking of putting some of the paper ramblings on here, maybe I'll do that later.
Just wanted to put a shout out to all my LJ friends. I wish you all the happiest of holidays, and I hope you all have a kick ass New Year! I've really missed everyone and I hope I can get back into the swing of things now. I'm going to try and do some back-tracking of people's entries, just so I'm up to speed. This may take some time though and I still have an immense amount of unpacking to do.
Love to you all!